A testimony : "My Desert"

my desert has not been an absence from God but the absence of certain human comforts. i have been very alone in coping with certain things. but God has been a 100% trustworthy – and tho our big health prayers haven’t been answered, God has answered so much prayer and been sooooo present it seems like blasphemy to grumble. the gentle voice of his spirit whispering to me, so near that I felt like if i turned round quickly i might catch a glimpse of him. here's how it started.

*****

i had an incident a number of years ago – the girls had been listening to the latest hits on the tv and i saw a bit of a video of britney spears singing ‘hit me baby’. there is a line in it that says “the loneliness is killing me” – yet she was surrounded by people copying her and dancing with her and i was angry and hurt cos i was so lonely. she was doing nothing wrong – she was just doing her job as an entertainer, but it helped me put into words the pain i was feeling. i lay down on the settee cos i was pretty ill already by then, and had a little cry in self pity – a very rare event for me. my family are copers. i’m a coper. i sat up cos it’d wet the cushion and tho i didn’t hear a physical voice, but it was as clear as if i had. i felt God reassuring me that even if other people didn’t understand, He did. even tho others weren’t there for me, He was. i had an image of being held like a baby bird in His cupped hands. from then on for the next decade circumstances got better, got worse, our health got better, got a lot worse, but i never lost that feeling of utter certainty of being utterly secure in his hands. even when i cried myself to sleep so many times over things, i never doubted for an instant that He was there holding me and understanding me. He gave me a deep inner joy. i was too exhausted to pray or to read the bible, but he reassured me of his loving presence all the time and as i remembered what i’d read in the bible in the past it refreshed me and came so alive. 

*****

i’m into a new phase. am still very sick and weak and have been cut off from even more relationships, good and bad, including the relationship that had been emotionally abusive. 

but i can now pray again and read the bible, and make friends on fb. i don’t have that “fourth man” sense of God’s presence in the same way that i did, but i shall never forget it.


that wilderness for me was the absence of people and health, but so much the presence of Jesus i come through with such joy and peace and love – fruit of the holy spirit that i know that God was in it. in all things God works for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose.NOTHING NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the all surpassing power has come from God and not from us. tho outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day after day. God’s strength is sufficient for me, his power is made perfect in weakness – even if he doesn’t actually take away the thorn it can’t stop him working. and the peace of God which seems utterly incomprehensible considering the circumstances keeps, like the keep in the heart of the castle, keeps our hearts and minds in the love and knowledge of God our Father and His son our Lord Jesus Christ. hallelujah. God us goooooood