re : Let all the little children come

Let all the little children come

Could I add a few thoughts to this discussion? While I sympathise greatly with this mum I don't think this situation is a good one to draw generalised conclusions from.

https://theadditionalneedsblogfather.wordpress.com/2017/03/16/let-all-the-little-children-come-to-me/

For a start the incident happened in that wonderful but dreaded moment as the children and teachers file out. It seems to have come from well meaning spontenaity not planning. The other child (ie the wrong one) responded to the kind invitation. There appear to have been assumptions made on both sides. This mum is handling other very heavy things that aren't visible at first sight to the team, ie it could be pastorally not straight forward. A perfect storm. 

Then there were the errors on both sides. There appears to have been a helper who acted out of line with the policy of the team. The policy decision was communicated directly to the child so became a rejection, rather than in negotiation with the parent. There was no alternative offered to the child to compensate for the misunderstanding; like, you can come if you bring an adult with you, or here are some of the materials to play with back in the service, or even (desperate last resort) here's a sweetie, all of which the mum will treat as a sop or even an insult but which the child may remember as an act of kindness  ...

What an appalling situation!

As a special interest group you're doing your job by being outraged. Clearly this poor woman's got a lot on her hands, all the more so if the dad's sick. She needs to feel heard by us and backed up. One would hope that she or the leader could set in place a discussion between them and someone pastoral who could make sure there's perhaps a family visitor support put in place to help make friendship links with them and help communication on both sides. This could model conflict resolution strategies to the children for the future. If the father's ill there may well have been miscommunication on either side at the point of coming out of leadership or stopping church attendance and in my experience the sunday school and the children get caught in the middle. Incidentally I think leaders need specific guidance how to cope with ex leaders and prompting to set in place routines like automatically giving a thank you card and flowers or a box of chocolates to anyone coming out of leadership even when it's an act of protest; and having a "Grey Hair" group that meets as an annual think tank on general issues in the church to give recognition, respect and an outlet to those who have loads of experience but can't function in active leadership any more; having mature people who do a home visit with a questionaire to anyone known to have left the church to check if there are health reasons, misunderstandings etc. 

Having been on both sides of this sort of situation I feel both the pain of the mum but also know that Sunday morning, just as the children file out is the worst possible time to spring something new or tricky on a Sunday School leader. What on earth do you do ? There are rarely enough Sunday School teachers so a few willing individuals take the brunt but feel taken for granted by all and sundry. We use words like love and quote perfectly valid Bible verses but weary individuals on both sides wonder if this is what church should be and either become rigidly defensive or withdraw. 

I'm so glad that this group is working to protect the children who fall through the holes left in the net where we adults haven't thought things through or equipped ourselves adequately. How to defuse the pain and bitterness that blocks effective communication whilst not losing sight of the compassion rooted in love that powers the motor that moves for change ??!!!